Dead on the inside.
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "xnauticalxstars" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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04:09 pm
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Another broken fracture.
Dangling the locket,
Tangled around my throat,
This asphyxiation is quite pleasant,
drowning out my fears,
Life has seem to fade too fast,
The roses wither to the wind,
I am set on repeat,
In this place you call my home.
Current Location: Backspace mutha trucka.
Current Mood:  calm
Current Music: "Cold Blue Serenity" - Skarp
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01:13 pm
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Yup.
Forever most,
the recentest post,
soon to take away,
to a place new to me to stay,
to here i will miss,
to a place where i felt my kiss,
a ticker on the clock,
a place to where i frantically flock,
a city where i shed a tear,
a city where i have no fear,
i go to leave and shall return,
for i cannot stay to this i learn.
Current Location: [packing]
Current Mood:  creative
Current Music: "Punk Rock Girl[Cover]" - Dead Kennedy's
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11:11 pm
[Link] | I didn't know what it was that captivated me?
The little splash of crystal blue to pierce my soul?
The ink the strewed your canvas telling a story of how you came to be?
The determination of a strong mind with a life long goal?
Maybe it was the basic, sincere and charming,
Or the way I liked to watch your cigarette burn,
And maybe just maybe the way you seem to get to me, so alarming,
Or how that fate does have it's turn?
Current Location: [the zone]
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "Fiction[Dreams in Digital]" - Orgy
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11:08 pm
[Link] | Today I re-fell in love for the first time,
Tonight is where I end my old life, and begin with the new,
Tomarrow, I will rob you of your heart, the best tale of crime,
Tonight is I end my life, and begin with the new.
Current Location: [the zone]
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "What Love Is" - Dead Boys
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03:03 pm
[Link] | Just this time,
I won't be the one you miss,
Just this time,
It won't be bliss,
Just this time,
I won't be the one you adore,
Just this time,
I won't fall to the floor,
Just this time,
There won't be games,
Just this time,
The pictures withered in flames,
Just this time,
I may try to rest,
Just this time,
You lost the best,
Just this time,
You will feel the burn,
Just this time,
The world will still turn.
Current Location: [I'm laying in flatlined]
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "XO" - Elliott Smith
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02:57 pm
[Link] | I will never walk with you again,
down the endless hallway,
Not right now, not even then,
I will not be here to stay.
Current Location: [Never Here]
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Going Nowhere" - Elliott Smith
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02:56 pm
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Lucky Me.
I got out of my punishment,
no community service for me.
:D
Current Location: "FREEDOM![partially]"
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: "Porque te vas" - Speed Crazy
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07:14 am
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Ghey.
Pardon my french,
but F*CK community service.
Grr.
Current Location: "sleepy"
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "BRAINS!" - Voltaire
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12:49 am
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for the inspired.
I remember it as evening,
and evening with its moon,
the wind was just a singing,
and morning will come soon,
there was i, thats me,
and there was him, that's you,
you seem all i want to be,
and for dreams may come true.
Current Location: "for you"
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "Cry Cry Cry" -Johnny Cash
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12:40 am
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-FILFERS-
I never thought I would feel it,
the trembling,
the filling of the glass,
the flowing through the arteries,
the breathe that seemed to get away,
giving up seemed so long ago,
i ungrasped your hand: just to let you go,
someday maybe you'll return to me,
i wonder what could be,
the simple life, just you and me,
or that little moment we'll have to be?
Current Location: "in your heart?"
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: "Safety Pinned and sick" - Lower Class Brats
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01:24 am
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Great.
I found out I suffer from Panic Disorder...sometimes.
Kinda like Anxiety, but more intense.
And I have insomnia, and such.
I usually can control it, and sometimes it creeps up on me.
I am not taking pills though. NO WAY.
Current Location: "Half Awake"
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Peace of mind" - Kottonmouth Kings
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09:56 pm
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[shushers]
There should be something to believe in,
There is nothing,
I let go of it all,
Arteries bursted, veins unflowing,
Whole being has popped, like confetti.
Current Location: "who cares?"
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Bend over, I'll drive" - The Cramps
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10:35 pm
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[my summary of this time...los sueños del muerto.]
MY...
Hero: Is the most hardcorest EVER.
Dream Boy: I fucked up and lost the best.
Friends: I found the best, and let go the rest.
Family: Too insane for my liking.
Sibilings: Adoption is a bitch.
Success: Modeling can wait a bit.
Money: Will be gaining by Christmas.
Home: Hopefully moving soon before becoming homeless.
Mentality: Still holding together, though lost in questions with no answers.
Physical: Haley is a freaking genius for the personal touch.
Emotional: Hearts do heal, even if they seem to go by slowly.
Birthday Wish: I want a restart button. Don't ask.
[That's all I can think of...]
Current Location: "updates a bitch..."
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Porque te Vas" - Speed Crazy
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10:22 pm
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Finish me off: End it all.
Shread the threads, Break the line,
Cut the tape, More define,
Cross the bridge, and yet destroy,
Burn it down and cross the next,
Back and forth, side to side,
Convey the rhythem, all around,
All of us, broken down,
Toiling down, more misery,
Fighting actions, just society,
Shattered dreams, fuck sobriety.
Current Location: "forget this."
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Dear Dottie" - Lunachicks
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11:28 am
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Lame little entry of mine...
I will always have that emptiness that I have bestowed for ever so long,
When the glass is half empty, there will never be enough water to overflow,
The bed will have the shadow that was once casted by perfection,
and how do you propose a speech with the most perfect words to strew you back to me?
why is the need of competition and glorification for material items seem to be the winners in this battle of hearts?
when can we just fall to our knees and see eachother and the same heigth and become one again?
Why can't we just give up, for the feeling of knowing it should be right?
Current Location: "Bow chicka bow wow"
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Drunken Lullabies" - Flogging Molly
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09:55 am
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So I come to realize this...
Music = Life .... But duh, isn't it for everyone?
But what if music shows, even interprets the way you feel at that very moment in time,
well duh again,
but lsat night was amazing.
I had a few beers in me so I started thinking about just not one thing, but everything,
and every music that seemed to spew out that riggity box made me realize how alive I am.
That is also during the time I decided on what Tattoo ideas I am getting,
and yeah, they're amazing.
But besides that...
Life is okay here, I am glad to be home, in Portland.
I still want to leave again, I just need to find a place to stay and stuff.
I also need to get my phone soon, once I pay the bill off, and start work.
I need to pay off a few bills, and save up money for my sister so I can fly her out, and take her shopping and spoil her.
And my 22nd birthday is next month, on the 30th. And my ex's is on the 6th the month after.
I want to get him something...
But what do you give an ex?
Maybe in time, I can figure that out.
I miss him, ALOT. But time will repair, hopefully.
And I am stoked cuz my hair is growing back out, slowly but rad.
And once I tone up a bit this winter, and get my tats done, I am going to be quite the catch.
Hahaha.
But seriously, I am so stoked for Matt[from Defiance,Poison Idea,Dog Soldier...whichever band.]
to do my tattoo work.
He is so freaking awesome, and he works fast and does BEAUTIFUL work.
I cannot wait till next month.
EEEEKKKK!!!
I miss Arizona, I miss my friends there, grrr.
Damn them being far.
Damn me for having friends in other states.
Hmm...
Thinking...
I will write more later when my brain processes more, and I fully wake up.
Oh yeah,
I am getting a sidekick soon!!!
HEHEHEHE.
:D
Current Location: "in your heart... :] "
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: "Say yes" - Elliot Smith
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03:19 pm
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I hate opening those dusty chained doors.
I was in a great mood the last couple weeks,
I mean besides the downs,
The Overall wasn't too bad.
I learn more and more each day,
And it seems to amaze me.
I got in a little battle with my friend yesterday,
and the conversation lead me to opening memories.
Ones I hid for a good reason,
so I wouldn't get into this mellowdramatic mood,
and the slow acoustic music drowning my ears.
Grr.
I miss my ex...
I come to realize this.
I really want him back,
And I don't know what to say...
Sometimes there is nothing your speech could summarize to come out as the perfect answer.
Maybe just looking into someones eyes, says everything.
I will visit him one day.
And who knows what will happen.
Oh, and I wanted to post these two Converge songs...
It's beautiful.
"Two Day Romance"
[But change she to him...]
Can you help me? Take a picture before I paint over her.
She is beautiful, she was everything. I miss her.
Last night I dreamt of her tracing my scars.
She said she'd never leave and that I'd always stay.
That night you called I stood by that phone for hours, I felt everything thirty miles away. You said you loved me and I told you the same.
We kissed there for the first time.
I believed in you for the last time.
I once was I, once was whole.
Peacemaker, tell myself that this is time to say goodbye. Goodbye
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"The Broken Vow"
Those nights we had and the trust we lost,
The sleep that fled me and the heart I lost,
It all reminds me,
Just how callous and heartless the true cowards are,
And I write this for the loveless,
And for the risks we take,
I'll take my love to the grave.
As tired and worn it is,
I'l take my love to the grave.
[I know, I'm lameeee.]
Current Location: "Strapped down by the brain"
Current Mood: content
Current Music: ALL CONVERGE BABBBBYYYY!!!
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08:23 pm
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Shit.
i just found out that my mom i was looking for, for so long past away last year.
but on the brightside i found my sister.
and i am going to do everything i can to be there for her.
she is my blood.
and i will always be there for her.
Current Location: "nowhere"
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "lazy eye" - silversun pickups
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12:04 pm
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hahaha. OH YEAH.
I hate stupid people.
Even when they sink so low and don't even know me.
We'll leave it at that.
But besides that,
Summer fucking rocks.
And I cannot wait to get my apartment!
[yusssss!]
And my OLCC license {Oregon County Liqouer License} so I can get my job.
Yeah, I am trying for McMenamins.
I am so stoked.
I missed my friends from here.
The ones that actually are there.
I miss the ones in AZ and in CA.
Oh, Well, I will probably see them again.
Oh yeah, and I decided that I am done with traveling.
I need a break, HELLA.
Current Location: "The Old Library"
Current Mood: content
Current Music: "You suck" - Strapping Young Lad
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11:50 am
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Through the eyes of the beheader...
Yuck. I'm kinda hungover. Not too bad, but I can still feel it. Damn me and my russianess drinking vodka. And not to mention all the whiskey and coke chasers. I am at my parents house, doing laundry, and freaking bored out of my mind. Melting throught the chair. I got a hold of my cousin a few weeks ago on myspace that I have not seen since I was 13. Him and his girlfriend and they're baby are coming to get me from Seattle to get me so I can stay with them for a few days. I am so nervous... AHHHHH. On the bad side my brothers ex gf is there... Ugh. I hope I don't see her. She sucks. But after all that I will be repacking and probably ethier going to San Francisco with Nicole or hoping on the train for Georgia and then back to Arizona for awhile so I can work and build up money. Yeahuuh. And then get my ink put together and done. Yayyyyy! Well, I got to go. I am gonna go take a nap. Ciao!
Current Location: "Packing my bags for Seattle"
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Smash things up" - Tckung!
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